Charity begins at home

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a charity volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent y to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community by donating some money to our charity

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the charity volunteer mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken charity worker begins to apologise, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated charity worker, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Hole in the wall

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

The music of silence

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

Happy meal

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a hamburger and french fries. A few seconds later, the waitress hands over the meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a dark curly hair in the hamburger. He screams to the waitress, "Waitress, there's a disgusting hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

smoking

Biker talk

A man went into a motorcycle shop. He spent a couple of hours looking over the bikes and taking them for test drives. He narrowed his choice to two bikes. One had a really high top speed, but its acceleration was poor. The second had a lower top speed, but it had a lot of torque and accelerated quickly. Eventually, he decided to buy the second bike. It cost a lot less, because torque is cheap.

going somewhere?

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. "You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the Building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Heartless snowman

Why are men and parking spots alike?

The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Chop, chop

A man is working in a timber yard. While he is using the electric saw, he accidentally cuts off his fingers. He races to the emergency room in the local hospital. The nurses rush him into see the doctor, who says "give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do".

The man replies "I haven't got the fingers".

"What do you mean? You don't have the fingers? We could have done micro-surgery and tried to put them back on. Why on earth didn't you bring the fingers?" exclaimed the doctor.

"I couldn't pick them up" the man replies

Christmas is coming....

A little girl is spending christmas at her grandparent's house. She goes to bed, she puts a large stocking at the end of her bed. As she crawls into bed, she shouts out at the top of her voice "please Santa, bring me a large dolls house". Her grandparents come into the room and say "quiet, Santa isn't deaf". The girl replies "I know but you two are".

Gas attack

A man walks into a Doctor's surgery.

"Doctor, I am suffering from these nasty but silent gas emissions. I can't stop myself. Last night I had at least twenty silent emissions. On the way to your surgery, I had at least half a dozen more. And while waiting outside in your waiting room I had at least four silent emissions. Since I entered your room, I've had another two".

The doctor replies "The first thing we need to do is check your hearing."

You old dog....

Two dog owners are boasting about the relative merits of their dog. The first dog owner says "my dog is so clever. Each morning, he walks down to the newsagent, holding money in his mouth, buys my newspaper, walks back and brings it to me while I am having my breakfast." The second owner replies, "I know". "How do you know?" asks the first owner. The second owner replies "My dog told me".

Pregnancy class

A couple attend their very first pre-natal class. The instructor asks the husband to wear several bags of flour under his shirt, so that he can "get an idea of what it is like to be a pregnant woman". After wearing it throughout the class, he tells the instructor "hey, this isn't so bad". The instructor then drops a pen and asks the husband to pick it up. The husband asks the instructor "you want me to pick up the pen just as my wife would do it?". "Absolutely" replies the instructor. The husband turns to his wife and says "darling, pick up that pen for me"/