Gas attack

A man walks into a Doctor's surgery.

"Doctor, I am suffering from these nasty but silent gas emissions. I can't stop myself. Last night I had at least twenty silent emissions. On the way to your surgery, I had at least half a dozen more. And while waiting outside in your waiting room I had at least four silent emissions. Since I entered your room, I've had another two".

The doctor replies "The first thing we need to do is check your hearing."

You old dog....

Two dog owners are boasting about the relative merits of their dog. The first dog owner says "my dog is so clever. Each morning, he walks down to the newsagent, holding money in his mouth, buys my newspaper, walks back and brings it to me while I am having my breakfast." The second owner replies, "I know". "How do you know?" asks the first owner. The second owner replies "My dog told me".

Pregnancy class

A couple attend their very first pre-natal class. The instructor asks the husband to wear several bags of flour under his shirt, so that he can "get an idea of what it is like to be a pregnant woman". After wearing it throughout the class, he tells the instructor "hey, this isn't so bad". The instructor then drops a pen and asks the husband to pick it up. The husband asks the instructor "you want me to pick up the pen just as my wife would do it?". "Absolutely" replies the instructor. The husband turns to his wife and says "darling, pick up that pen for me"/

Horse trouble

A cowboy leaves a saloon and finds that his horse has been painted white. He returns to the bar and shouts out "Which of you animals just painted my horse?". A nasty looking gunslinger gets up and walks to the cowboy and says "It was me, why do ya want to know?" The cowboy replies "no reason. Just thought you should know that the first coat is dry."